The primary objective of a Childrenâs Party is to ensure that the adults present stay alive and maintain some perceptible level of sanity and that the house the party is held in remains an insurable piece of real estate. No matter how much money you spend on entertainment for your childrenâs birthday party â bouncing castles, magicians, The Rolling Stones, live elephant rides â the âsmall darlingsâ are going to prefer climbing anything that projects from the outside of your house, smothering the cat with âsilly stringâ, feeding the $1700 pedigree dog play-dough or hurling sticky food at passing ancient aged pensioners. The older children, those over the age of eight, will be behind the garden shed smoking your lawn clippings. If you are unfortunate enough to have a swimming pool, the water in it will be the colour of very weak tea by the end of the festivities and youâll have to get the hazardous waste experts in to sanitize it for you and stop it being a mortal danger to indigenous wildlife. The most well loved entertainers, at childrenâs parties, are the clowns. Iâm sure that youâve all heard the song âThe Tears of a Clownâ. That song was written by an entertainer at childrenâs birthday parties. You can never hire a clown for a mid-week party as theyâre all in specially set up, Mental Health Department Funded, Clown Sanatoriums receiving intensive electric shock treatment to get them ready for the next Saturday afternoonâs gig. I feel sorry for the poor mothers who have to officiate on these perilous occasions. Hours and hours spent baking delicacies only to find that the guests prefer throwing and wearing the food rather that eating it. It would make any mother wish that sheâd piled the table high with half-bricks covered with icing and hundreds and thousands. If the party started at 2pm, by 3. 45 all the mothers are huddled together in the bathroom taking turns at swigging from the gallon flagon of cooking sherry. Theyâre safe in the bathroom, the kids wonât want the bathroom, why should they? Thereâs a perfectly excellent swimming pool outside. The fathers are, of course, doing their best. Theyâve either gone fishing or are in the pub watching the football. I suppose that I should, at this point, start giving you some thoughts on how to stop this chaotic event turning into a full scale disaster that necessitates the mobilisation of the National Guard and all other emergency services. Letâs have a look at a few âhurt controlâ thoughts. Firstly it is a terrific help if you, or someone close to you, has a military background. Plotting is the name of the game for these fiascos. They have to be plotted, well in advance, with military precision. I wouldnât go so far as to suggest snipers on the garage roof, but just about everything small of that. One of the major problems is to make sure that the childrenâs party keeps ALL CHILDREN occupied at ALL TIMES. There must never be any lull in the proceedings. Un-occupied children cause havoc. It was un-occupied children that caused the downfall of the Roman Empire, the Black Plague, both World Wars, Country and Western Music and the invention of the musical doorbell. Keep them occupied! The childrenâs birthday party must flow like high grade lubricating oil. It is essential that as one organised activity ends, another starts. Never, ever, give the âsmall darlingsâ time to reckon of what theyâd âreallyâ like to be doing. Allowing children to choose what âtheyâ want to do is inviting a disaster of monumental proportions unless the orange juice has been liberally laced with valium. Your childrenâs party will make the American Revolution look like a casual disagreement between two three-toed sloths. Bored children at a childrenâs birthday party would mean the end of civilisation as we know it. Keep them busy, give them no time to reckon, heaven help us all if boredom sets in. Make a timetable, have all the weaponry required for each activity prepared and in cardboard boxes, in chronological order. For example â sack race 3. 10 start – 3. 20 end â egg and spoon race 3. 20. 03 start and so on. Did you notice? Only 3 seconds between events, any more than this and boredom sets in. Goldfish have a three second memory span, children, at childrenâs parties, have a three second âun-occupied silent timeâ span. Any longer than three seconds and, well, you get the thoughtâ¦. . You can give each of the children an empty cardboard box to take home with them. Just tell them itâs a special present. This saves a lot on cleaning up after the party. Military plotting is also required when it comes to setting up the area for this funfest. No, not the kind of military plotting that goes on in the White House, REAL military plotting. Make sure that the food area is well away from the activity area otherwise the food area WILL BECOME the activity area. If you have neighbours, make sure that the area is well secured. It is not excellent for future relations, or the value of the real estate, to have hordes of un-leashed, sugar filled small children carrying out an unrestrained rampage through the neighbouring properties. The street will look like Baghdad in three minutes flat. Electrified razor wire immediately springs to mind, or half a dozen hungry Rottweilers, but maybe your local hardware store doesnât stock that sort of child restraint. After all, not everybody lives in Texas. We now come to the food. Iâve always found it a excellent thought to make everything âindividual and softâ. Part control eliminates arguments and soft foods eliminate the need for sharp objects at the table. Children arguing and sharp objects are not an especially healthy combination. More substantial food should be limited to things like French Fries, hot dogs and other finger food. I call this âdelayed actionâ food. The children like it and manage to eat five times their daily recommended calorie intake in one afternoon. Itâs not until they get home, pleased, but tired, do they throw up all over the Ikea. When serving the refreshments at a childrenâs birthday party, itâs always a excellent thought to cover the surrounding area, say 500 square meters, with industrial strength plastic. Just in case of spillages. Small fingers can be clumsy fingers. It is a golden rule at childrenâs parties, that one of the âsmall darlingsâ will really be a real brat. He/she wonât join in with anything and will generally leave you at a loose end about what to do. Some people suggest keeping a few colouring books or videos handy, just for this sort of emergency. Personally, I find handcuffing the small terror to the washing machine and then closing the sound-proofed laundry door to be the most effective method of dealing with the situation. But, each to his own. To re-cap. Keep them occupied, soft food in individual parts, Rottweilers, colouring books (or handcuffs) and plenty of mind numbing games and activities. Oh, one last thing. If youâre looking to be absolutely secure and distress free, you will find the telephone number of your local chapter of the Hellâs Angels in the yellow pages. If you have learned anything from this fascinating insight into the murky world of the pre-adolescent psyche, you have learned that Kids Birthday Parties are not to be treated lightly. It is vital that you are well armed before you enter the fray. This is, fortunately, quite easily achieved. Simply visit the link below and collect your weaponry. Organising your next kidsâ party will then become a piece of (birthday) cake.
